


It's Friday, I'm in love

by alanabloom



Series: Young Blood 'verse [2]
Category: Orange is the New Black
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-28
Updated: 2014-07-30
Packaged: 2018-02-08 20:07:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 18,935
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1954584
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alanabloom/pseuds/alanabloom
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Follow-up to "Young Blood".  Due to multiple requests for the the specific prompt:  Alex's first time visiting Piper in college.  Two parts.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is my follow up to "Young Blood". I'm hesitant to call it a sequel, because I don't want to set it up as comparable...YB covered nine years, and this one just covers a weekend. I didn't set out meaning for it to be particularly epic, just kind a DVD extra to the first fic, fulfilling a prompt I got multiple times when I mentioned on Tumblr that I was thinking of doing some deleted scenes set in YB 'verse. Hope you enjoy!

_I saw her today at the reception, a glass of wine in her hand..._

Alex closes her eyes, resting her forehead against the window, and spins the volume dial on her Walkman as high as goes.  Her fingers absently tap out the beat, drumming across the cover of _Mother Night_.  She'd closed the book half an hour ago, too abuzz with nervous energy to concentrate.  For the past week or two she's been having bizarre anxiety dreams about the transportation aspect of this weekend.  She'd dream she's sitting at the station and the bus never comes, or that she's been on it for hours and hours without stopping, finally looking out the window and realizing she's gone too far.

But of course it's only a three hour bus ride, and she'd booked the ticket a month ago, so there's little room for disaster.  

Alex keeps her eyes closed for the next twenty minutes, until she feels the bus make a wide, slow turn.  Out the window, a sign confirms their arrival in Northampton, and Alex is on her feet before the bus has fully eased to a stop. 

Outside, she hooks her headphones around her neck and stuffs the Walkman into the pocket of her leather jacket, bouncing on the balls of her feet as the driver pulls bags out from under the bus and tosses them on the sidewalk.  She isn't sure when exactly _nervous_ became her primary emotion for this trip, but that needs to go away like _now_.

Finally her red duffel joins the pile of baggage, and Alex snatches it up, slings it over her shoulder and heads around to the front of the bus station, eyes roaming.

"Alex!"

Her name sounds like a magic word.  Alex turns and suddenly Piper's in front of her, smiling like she's swallowed sunlight, launching herself into Alex's arms, lips searching.  Relief bursts open in Alex's chest and douses her insides, the sweet sensation of a craving satisfied at last. 

For a few moments, her head is too full with the mere fact of Piper's presence to realize what's so significant about this moment, this very _public_ display of affection.  For the first time, she is seeing _out_ Piper, Piper away from their hometown where anyone they see could know her parents. 

When she pulls back, her face is flushed with pleasure.  "I _love_ that I get to do that."

One hand still tangled in Piper's hair, Alex grins.  "Want to keep things public?  I saw some pretty tall bushes over there." 

"Tempting.  But I've got a dorm room waiting.  Polly knows to disappear for a few hours."

Smirking, Alex grabs Piper's hand and tugs, impatience only half feigned.  "Then let's get the fuck out of here." 

Piper giggles for no other reason then excessive happiness and allows herself to be led to her own car.  They kiss again when they get there, slightly less hurried, leaning against the passenger side door, and then Piper gently pulls back and lets her forehead drop against Alex's shoulder, murmuring, "I'm so glad you're here," into the folds of leather.

Smiling, Alex kisses the side of her head.  Her nerves are gone.  All she's got is _happy_.  "Me, too." 

 

* * *

 

Fucking _Jewel_ is playing when Piper cranks the car.

Alex groans.  "Pipes.  _No_." 

Piper bites back a grin.  "I knew I forgot to do something."

"You mean conceal your terrible taste?"  Alex hits eject, plunging the car into merciful silence, and starts rummaging through Piper's glove box until she finds a cassette with her own handwriting on the label.  "This is what happens when I leave you alone."

"Guess you'll just have to stay forever," Piper says in mock resignation.

The phrase _I wish_ floats through Alex's head, pumped with regret, but she banishes the thought.  Christ, she's been here less than ten minutes.  Way too soon to start dreading leaving.

She pushes the mixtape into the deck and, predictably, The Cure bursts to life through the speakers.  They both smile at the same time, and Alex rolls down her window and lights a cigarette.  Piper throws her a fond look.  "We've got great timing.  The smoke smell from fall break _just_ faded."

"Gotta keep you thinking about me." 

It's shameless, and Piper smiles and says what she's supposed to.  "Trust me, that isn't a problem."

 

* * *

 

Piper's car has to go in a long term student lot off campus, so there's a campus bus ride followed by a ten minute walk before they get to her dorm.  Piper keeps their hands clasped together, and leans against Alex on the bus, and in general is so sweetly giddy Alex keeps having to bite back laughter.  But she's happy to indulge, keeping her free hand swimming through Piper's hair or trailing teasingly along the back of her neck. 

Along the way, they run into a few girls Piper knows and don't stop to talk much, but Piper introduces every one of them to "my girlfriend, Alex."  They all seem to have heard about her before, even the one it's clear Piper only vaguely knows from a class.  It feels good, to see Piper so eager to show off - or confirm - her existence, to listen to her firmly label the relationship to anyone she sees.

But then they're in her dorm, practically racing each other up the stairs, and Alex almost forgets anything but getting Piper to a bed.

 _Almost_ , until they actually get inside the dorm room, and it's hard to notice the bed in the face of the decor.

"What the _shit_?"

Piper rolls her eyes, looking like she'd expected this.  "You really want to take time to make fun of this _now_?"

 _This_ is presumably referring to the posters for _Titanic_ , _Clueless_ _,_ and _You've Got Mail_ on the walls, or the plethora of the lime green, or the floral print initials hanging on the wall, or the cardboard cut out of some member of N*Sync or Backstreet Boys or something equally horrifying and blonde tipped.  

Grabbing Alex's bag, Piper tosses it on the least offensive side of the dorm room.  She presses herself against Alex's back, chin hooked over her shoulder, and turns her toward the standard issue wooden desk positioned at the foot of the twin bed.  "See, just focus on _this_ space.  Not so bad, right?"

There's a cork board built into the wall above each desk.  Piper's is covered with photos, mostly of her and Alex, and a couple of small posters of bands: The Cure, The Rolling Stones, and Joni Mitchell. 

"I don't know," Alex murmurs back thoughtfully.  "I almost don't want them in the room with all that other stuff."  

Piper's quiet for a moment, and then her tongue traces the shell of Alex's ear.  "I'll just have to distract you," she whispers. 

Alex unfurls a grin, reaching her hands back, skimming them slowly over Piper's ass.  Then, in a quick motion, she turns into her, bodies pressed together as they kiss. 

It's been three weeks since Piper had been home for fall break.  Their hands roam almost frantically over each other, like they need to lay claim on every inch they've been missing.  "Bed," Piper gasps out against the curve of Alex's jaw, and Alex pulls back to smirk at her.

"One sec."  Alex pulls Piper's sweater up and over her head, discarding it onto the floor, then slides aside purple bra straps, taking time to trail kisses across Piper's shoulder blades before reaching back and expertly unhooking the bra entirely.  She catches it rather than let it drop, then practically skips over to the dorm room's door, eyes glittering with mirth. 

"Alex!"  Piper yelps in protest, turning her body away as Alex slips the door open just far enough to reach out and hook the bra over the door knob on the outside.

The door shut again, Piper relaxes.  "That's completely unnecessary.  I told you Polly knows not to come back until later."

"Who cares?  If I'm having sex in a fucking dorm room, I want the full college experience." 

"I think it's usually a sock or something."

"All girl's college.  No need to be subtle." 

 

* * *

 

"We should get dressed."

Alex grins and rolls onto her side, slinging a leg across Piper's hip, straddling her.  "What?  Tired out already?"

Looking up with an indulgent smile, Piper twirls her fingers absently around the ends of Alex's hair.  "Not even.  But Polly'll be back soon."

"You said she'd be hours."

"Al, it's almost six."

"Wait, really?"

"Mmmm-hmmm."  Piper arches off the mattress just enough to lift up and kiss Alex, slow and lazy.  "And anyway, we gotta get ready for dinner."

Alex lifts an eyebrow and affects a voice of a fifties housewife that comes out slightly Southern, God knows why.  "Ooh, are you takin' me out someplace fancy?"

"Depends on your definition of fancy.  We're all going to that make your own pizza place I told you about."

"Who's the _all_?"

"Polly, Jenna, Grace and Haley."

Alex pulls a face.  These are names Piper mentions on the phone, more functional than descriptive: they're always just who she'd been with at whatever party or dinner or study session.  "We're with all of them tonight?"

Piper rolls off Alex and hops off the dorm bed, pulling a discard camisole on over her head.  She tilts her head at Alex, looking surprised at the hint of negativity.  "Yeah, is that not okay?  I told you they all want to meet you...do a whole 'girl's night'.  And tomorrow's the party at UMass, so we figured tonight would be best for the club."

 _The club_ is the one 18 and over place anywhere near the campus.  When Piper recounts her weekends, the nights have usually been spent there or at a house party thrown by one of the surrounding colleges.  Apparently all girls schools aren't great for the underage nightlife. 

Piper opens the door to the dorm room, rescuing her bra; Alex makes a halfhearted attempt to pull the sheets over her bare breasts, just in case The Roommate walks in, but she doesn't make any move to get out of the bed.  "Wait, so it's dinner or it's a club?"

"Dinner, then pre-game here, then club."

"That's, uh.  Quite the schedule, Pipes."

Worry starts to seep into Piper's expression.  "Is that okay?"

It's actually not, not really.  Alex has negative interest in spending time with Piper's new friends.  There's a distaste settling in her gut that's disproportional to what's actually happening, but before she can figure out a way forward, the dorm room door flies open and Piper's roommate walks in.

“Oh, sorry...” Polly blinks at Alex, lounging naked under the sheets, then swings a _well, well, well_ sort of smirk to Piper. “Am I early?”

“No, we’re, uh. Late.”  Adorably, Piper flushes, looking simultaneously embarrassed and pleased with herself. “Alex, this is Polly. Polly, Alex.”

Alex flutters her fingers in a parodying sort of wave. Polly nods at her, looking like she doesn’t want to come too close. “Nice to finally meet you.”

“Yeah, you, too,” Alex replies lazily.  It doesn't quite sound like she means it.

As Piper’s roommate, Polly’s name comes up the most frequently in their phone conversations. But still, it’s all function, facts without substance: grabbed dinner with Polly, just stayed in and hung out with Polly, started going to the gym with Polly, held Polly’s hair back while she puked in the hall bathroom. Alex knows a lot of what Polly’s been up to her first three and a half months in college, but she’s completely clueless as to her actual personality.

And yet there’s a vague scratching of resentment Alex has come to associate with Piper saying Polly’s name.

Now, Polly raises her eyebrows at Piper. “You guys gonna make it to dinner?”

“Yeah, yeah, of course. Sorry, Pol, can you just give us like two minutes?”

“Sure.” She drops her backpack next to the offensive boy band cut out and heads for the door. “Clothe yourselves.”

The door closes behind Polly as Piper’s hurrying around the small floorspace, gathering Alex’s clothes, which she tosses unceremoniously at her. “So that’s Polly.”

“I gathered.” Piper pauses to watch Alex wrestle her dark V-neck over her head.

“Are you okay with hanging out with everybody? Sorry, I probably should have asked.”

Alex makes herself smile. “Hey, you’re the host.” She hops off the bed, grinning more sincerely as she leans close to Piper and says, “I’m at your beck and call.”

With a light, habitual kiss, Piper shoots back, “That could get interesting.”

When Polly returns to the room, Piper and Alex are safely clothed.  Piper throws her roommate one more apologetic look before asking, “How’d the midterm go?”

“I fucked it right up,” Polly says dispassionately. “Gonna need to get drunk tonight and forget how much I didn’t know.”

“Good plan,” Piper says with a grin.

“Thanks, I’m pleased with it.”

There’s an easy, familiar rhythm to the way they talk. The resentment is snarling in Alex’s chest. It makes her short and monosyllabic when Polly makes a concentrated effort to ask questions ( _How was your bus ride? What do you think of campus?_ ). She can feel Piper watching her uneasily.

Alex doesn’t like herself for it, but there it is.

 

* * *

 

When they leave the dorm room to meet the other girls at the campus bus stop, Piper takes her hand but also throws her a pleading look that seems to say, _Be nice._

As soon as she’s introduced to Grace and Jenna and Haley, Alex can already tell she’s going to get them mixed up at least a few times. She can peg their type quickly: overeager straight girls (and really, leave it to Piper to find an all hetero crowd at _Smith_ ) who are _totally cool with the gay thing_ but haven’t had enough chance to prove it. She can tell in their wide smiles, in the way they throw Piper conspiratorial, approving looks. Alex can easily picture them in Piper’s room, looking at the photographs on her cork board and saying in overly casual voice, “Ooh, she’s hot.” Like they say that about women all the time.

It's judgmental of her, but that seems to be an instinct.

Without even thinking about it, Alex's brain flexes another, newer instinct: picking a target. Grace, definitely. Jenna's got potential, too, honestly, but Alex could recruit Grace by tomorrow morning if she was so inclined.

They try to ask her questions, do the “get to know you” routine, but the thing is, they already know the facts. They know how she and Piper met (“I think it’s the sweetest thing that you guys have been best friends since you were nine.”), and that she isn’t in school and is working at Sonic (okay, so they don’t know _all_ the facts, but to be fair neither does Piper).  She’s the one who could keep the conversation flowing. College comes with an expected slew of questions: _what’s your major, what's your roommate like, what do you want to do with your entire fucking life?_   But Alex can’t dredge up the effort to even feign interest.

So she tells them her bus ride was fine, confirms the details of her history with Piper that they parrot back at her. She can hear herself sounding bored, like this is some inconvenience she’s suffering through, but she can’t seem to make that stop. Piper’s squeezing her hand like it’s some sort of message, and her expression starts to look like she’s fighting an uncomfortable grimace.

With Alex making no effort, she quickly slips from being the focus of conversation, and the group of friends starts swapping life updates that have, apparently, accumulated since they saw each other yesterday. Listening to them talk, feeling the unit there, only makes Alex more sulky and removed, and thus even less inclined to participate than she already was. Vicious fucking cycle.

When they get off the bus and file into the pizza place, Piper pulls Alex back and says in an undertone, “You good?” Her voice is straddling the line between concern and admonishment, and Alex just gives a neutral nod. Then Piper adds, “Seriously, just try, okay? They really are great.”

That, right there. That’s the problem.

Back in high school, before they were dating, Alex and Piper had their completely separate friend groups. Piper in particular had a pretty established crowd - Alex just had smoke buddies - but she’d never attempted to sell Alex on them. Piper herself barely seemed to like them. When Alex would see her at school with them, Piper was barely recognizable. Fake toothy smile, overly polished laugh, slightly desperate eyes.

But now, with these people, Piper’s just herself. Her smile is her smile, she laughs because she really thinks they’re funny. She genuinely likes them, and that shouldn’t scare Alex but it does.

 

* * *

 

They crowd into a big wraparound booth in the corner of a restaurant teeming with college kids, not a single patron over twenty-five. The waitress takes five orders for water, but when it gets to Alex she smiles and orders a Blue Moon. Piper’s head whips around too fast, and she openly gapes as Alex smoothly produces an ID. The waitress accepts it without question, but she’s barely three steps away from the table when Piper demands, “When’d you get a fake?”

“Fuck, Pipes, a little louder, I don’t think the cooks in the back quite heard you.”

“Why do you have one?”

Alex rolls her eyes. “To buy drinks.” 

Specifically, to buy drinks in bars near colleges closer to their hometown than Piper’s. More specifically, to buy drinks for potential drug mules or clients, most of whom are actually older than her but oh so easy to charm.

Prissily, either Jenna or Haley says, “They’re actually really strict about sniffing out fake IDs around here.”

Alex levels her with a stare. “Did you see me have a problem?”

Piper kicks her under the table, as if they’re ten years old again and Alex is cursing in class.  _Jesus_.

Haley and Jenna, whichever is which, exchange quick, covert glances. Polly’s scrutinizing Alex with narrow eyes. Grace, bless her, tries for a nervous smile.

When she’s finished her second beer and most of her pizza, Alex starts feeling more talkative, and the others seem encouraged to try to include her again. Grace asks, “So, Alex. What are your plans for when you move here next year?”

“Oh, that's right,” Jenna-or-Haley says. “You looking for a job? Or are you gonna take classes?”

Bad move.

“No big plans for me,” Alex says brightly.  “More likely to become a degenerate criminal than start taking classes.”

Piper groans and hits Alex on the arm, probably less playful than she intends it to seem. “Shut up.”

Alex smiles at her, placating, then says to the group, “I was telling Holly earlier - “

“Polly.”

“What?”

Piper’s roommate is leveling a glare her way. “It’s _Polly_.”

Gun to her head, Alex couldn’t say for sure if that was an accident.

“Right,” Alex smirks. “Polly Hobby.”

Polly slides her eyes to meet Piper, giving her a skeptical look.  It's the universal look for: _Really? Her?_

In that instant, the hazy sense of ill will Alex has been stewing in all evening coalesces into a hard knot of specifically directed loathing. She wants to tell Polly that she was here first. That she isn’t some new girlfriend grasping for the approval of Piper’s friends. If anything, it should be the other way around.

But the disappointment practically radiating off Piper in waves is most definitely directed at Alex.

She just _had_ to be an asshole.  

 

* * *

 

They take the bus back to campus and split up. The plan is to reconvene in Polly and Piper’s room in an hour for pregame, which apparently involves everyone getting good and drunk before they go off to an 18+ club that won’t serve them alcohol.

Alex follows Piper and Polly to their dorm building - that’s what it feels like, that she’s following them - but pulls up short just outside, and tugs on the sleeve of Piper's jacket. “I’m gonna have a smoke. Wait with me?”

Piper nods at Polly to go on inside. She does, taking her pinched, disapproving expression with her.  Alex lights up and takes a drag; Piper leans against the building with a neutral expression. She’s quiet.

“Sorry,” Alex says at last. It seems to be required.

Piper’s eyebrows shoot up. “For what?” She doesn’t say it like there’s nothing to apologize for. She says it like she wants to hear Alex admit exactly what she’s done.

It actually makes Alex less sorry.

“Never mind.” Piper sighs. She’s got her long-suffering look on. That _fine, I’ll be the rational one_ look. “You couldn’t have turned on all that natural charm and charisma at least a _little_ for them?”

Alex scuffs the toe of her shoe against the sidewalk, not looking at Piper as she mutters, “Why waste it?”

“Hey.” She finally sounds pissed.  Shit.  “Come on, Al. You don’t even know them.”

Alex doesn’t answer. Piper sighs, again. Lots of sighing from her tonight. “Look, what’s the problem? Just tell me.”

“Nothing.” It slips out like a reflex. Fucking liar. But it sounds a hell of a lot better than: _I don’t want to like them. I don’t want you to like them. I don’t want you to like it here without me._

Selfish childish asshole.

Piper rolls her eyes heavenward and, yes, sighs one more time. “Well. Maybe you’ll warm to them when they get wasted.”

That earns a grin. “You think I prefer drunk people?”

Piper smiles back. Thank God. “There’s something to that. They’re more primal. Uninhibited. Sounds like your thing.”

Alex’s eyes light up, and she smirks crookedly, dropping her voice slightly, leaning a little closer. “Well. Primal at least.”

The last traces of tension melt away from Piper’s expression, eyes hooded with unrestrained wanting. Alex loves that she can do that; spend hours in bed with Piper and still leave her craving.

They kiss, Alex caging Piper in against the side of the building. It’s warm and it’s good and it makes everything better. 

 

* * *

 

Piper’s sitting backwards, straddling her wooden desk chair in front of the full length mirror hanging on her closet door, putting on her makeup.  Alex lounges on Piper’s bed waiting her turn.

There’s music playing from the CD player on Polly’s side of the room. She’d inflicted it upon them just before breezing out of the dorm room to get ready in the communal hall bathroom - which seems unnecessary, but Alex isn’t complaining. Alex gets the sense that this god awful girls’ R&B group is a standard part of the getting ready ritual. There’s probably another CD specifically for the pregame.

Possibly fucking Jewel.

“Okay, I’m good if you need the mirror,” Piper tells her, turning around.

Her makeup’s heavier and more dramatic than Alex has ever seen it, obviously adjusted for the new activity of _going out_ : slightly smokey eyes and thick dark lashes and coral lipstick. To Alex, there’s something sweetly self-conscious about it, and she finds herself thinking of middle school, pulling Piper into the bathroom every morning before first period and helping her put on eyeliner.

Alex's heart pinches unexpectedly. “You look really great.”

Piper’s smile, pleased and almost shy, crinkles the corners of her eyes. “Thanks.”

Grabbing her makeup bag and sliding into the place Piper just vacated, Alex pushes her glasses up on her head and leans close to the mirror, darkening her existing line of eyeliner and adding a new one below the eye. She puts on bright red lipstick, occasionally distracted by the reflection of Piper in the mirror, pulling off her clothes and changing into a dress.

When she finishes and spins away from the mirror, Alex’s breath catches in her throat. Piper’s in a short red dress and sheer black tights, stepping gingerly into heels, and _God_ , Alex has never seen her dressed like this. It sure as shit doesn’t remind her of middle school.

“ _Fuck_ , you’re gorgeous.”

Piper grins with self satisfaction. “Yeah?”

“Mmm-hmm...” Alex struts over to her, gaze narrow and focused. “I have a very important question.” Piper tilts her head expectantly. “Is Polly sleeping elsewhere tonight?”

Piper shakes her head. “No, sorry. She couldn’t find anywhere for tonight...tomorrow, though, she’s almost definitely gonna crash with this guy at UMass she’s kind of hooking up with.”

Alex hadn’t even been seriously asking - had, for some reason, assumed it to be the case - and her surprise and disappointment must show on her face, because Piper adds in an undertone, glancing at the door in case of Polly’s sudden return, “There’s a decent chance she’ll be drunk and dead to the world though. _Major_ lightweight.”

“You’re one to talk.”

Piper shoves her. “Hurry and get changed, they’ll be here soon.”

“You mean Polly might come back soon. Wouldn’t want her to accidentally ogle the lesbian tits.”

“Shut up,” Piper tells her, but there’s no real annoyance in it.

Alex pulls off her shirt and flicks Piper with it before digging in her duffel bag for her dress (black, with long lace sleeves) and tights (also black, also lace). Like Piper’s, this is a new addition to Alex’s wardrobe. Her bar clothes, recruitment clothes, _work_ clothes. Whatever, whatever, whatever.

She changes quickly, then spins around with a sarcastic little _ta-da!_ gesture. Piper’s eyes drink her in, and she breathes out, not sarcastic at all, “Wow.”

“Back atcha.”

“Maybe we should have gone to prom after all,” Piper’s voice is soft, and slightly husky; she runs her hands slowly along Alex’s hips. “We look damn good in formal wear.”

Alex laughs out loud. “Babe, either of these dresses would have gotten us thrown the fuck out of prom.”

“True.”

“Although the music is giving me a prom vibe. I don’t mean that as a compliment.”

“Sorry it’s not up to your standards,” Polly’s frosty voice cuts in from the doorway.

Alex and Piper spin around. “Oh, um...” Alex catches Piper’s eye and shrugs. “No saving that one.”

Piper gives Polly an apologetic look, then says, overly cheerful, “Polly’s always giving me shit about my occasional music snobbery. I told her it’s all on you.”

“Must be a ‘daughter of a bastard rock star’ thing,” Alex says blithely.

“Oh, right, Piper told me about that.”

Alex gives Piper a startled look, thrown off.  She's not sure what that means, if Piper had just told Polly the bare facts about her girlfriend's father...or if she'd related the shit show that was the Death Maiden concert.  It had been just a week before the semester started; had that been a story swapped during some early roommate bonding session?

Piper looks guilty, which makes Alex worried it's the latter.  Her stomach pitches uncomfortably.  Unfairly, Polly knowing this about her only makes Alex hate her more. 

Alex walks back over to the mirror, pretending to study her eye makeup so she doesn't have to look at anyone.  Piper follows her, trailing her fingers silently across Alex's back, an apology.

"Pipe, that dress looks awesome," Polly says a minute later, oblivious to the tension in the room.  "Aren't you glad we talked you into it?"

At that, Alex has to bite back a smile, gathering the dress is a recent purchase.  Possibly, probably just for this visit.

Alex turns around.  Piper's studying her closely, searching for a trace of softness.  Alex offers the tiniest fraction of a smile and a little nod: _it's okay_. 

"Let's pregame this pregame," Polly declares.  She's bent down in front of her closet, where a second minifridge has apparently been placed.  She emerges with two handles of Smirnoff, while Piper pulls a carton of lemonade out of the other minifridge set against the window - the one allowed to be in plain sight.

Alex smiles a little.  "Is that a chaser or mixer?" 

"Little bit of both," Piper says.

Polly's at the CD player, changing out the music.  Not Jewel; Mariah fucking Carey.   _Fabulous_.

Piper hands Alex a full shot glass.  "Cheers."  

Grinning, Alex dutifully clicks the glass with Piper's and tosses it back, well acquainted with the almost antiseptic taste of super cheap vodka.  She's never seen Piper do shots before; it's chased within nanoseconds with a long, generous gulp of lemonade in a red Solo cup, and even when she emerges her lips are amusingly pinched with distaste.  It makes Alex want to kiss her, so she does.

"Shit, now I gotta catch up."  Across the room, Polly tosses back a shot on her own, then refills.

They're two shots in when the others arrive, all with backpacks and bulky purses that quite glaringly don't go with their outfits.  They've all got their own handle of vodka, and Alex decides not to point out the unnecessary hassle of this possessiveness. 

"Hey, Alex," Polly says loudly after shot number four.  "You gonna buy us drinks at the club with your fake?"

"No."  Alex smiles benignly, not offering any other explanation.  She opens the smile up completely and leans into Piper.  "Pipes can share mine though."

Predictably, Piper's already tilting over the edge of _buzzed_ into _drunk_ , so she only smiles delightedly at the news and cranes her neck to kiss Alex's jaw.  She's oblivious to Alex's diss to her friends, or the way all four of them are throwing each other looks of the _what a bitch_ variety.  Their shots are making them even less subtle.  Alex's shots are making her give even less of a flying fuck.

The possibility of drinks at the bar snatched away, they all set about reaching the highest possible level of intoxication that will keep them physically able to enter a public place.  Piper joins in out of habit, and it starts to seem like her hands are physically incapable of existing away from Alex's body.  The way she's looking at Alex feels downright elicit, and Alex completely ignores whatever conversation the others are having, though Piper gamely tries to join in.

At one point, with Piper nipping lightly at her ear and everyone else trying not to watch, Alex loudly interrupts whatever else is being said and asks, apropos of nothing, "Can Polly stay at one of your dorms tonight?"

Everyone goes silent, gaping at these apparently unexplored depths of human assholeishness.  Finally, Polly says, "Piper."

Piper's twirling a lock of Alex's hair around her finger.  "Mmmm?"

" _Piper_."  Sharp and loud and slightly slurred.  Piper looks over.  "We already talked about this."

"I know."  Alex's hand grazes across Piper's ass and she giggles.  "But could you?"

"Are you fucking serious right now?!" 

The genuine fury in Polly's tone seems to strike some lone sober cell in Piper's brain.  Her expression neutralizes.  Contrite, she says, "No, no you're right.  Sorry.  Sorry sorry sorry."  She looks back at Alex.  "We did already talk about it."

"That's fine," Alex says calmly.  "I was just asking."

Uncomfortable, Grace asks, "Should we go?"

"Yes, _please_ ," Polly grits out.

Alex asks, "Is this another bus situation or what?" 

"We bus to the other side of campus.  Then it's about a fifteen minute walk," Haley-or-Jenna answers

"Getting too cold to walk," Piper whines, burrowing herself against Alex's back like she's already anticipating the chill.

"That's what happens in winter, Pipe," Polly snaps.  "Suck it the hell up."

"Hey, _shut_ the fuck up."  Alex takes a step forward, glaring down at Polly.  "Don't talk to her like that."

"Al, it's okay," Piper mutters in slight alarm, tugging her back.  Polly looks downright murderous. 

Alex looks back at Piper: sexy in her nightclub clothes and make up, beautiful the way she always is, wide eyed and drunk and obviously nervous as her eyes flick back and forth between her friends and Alex.

A wave of possessiveness ripples through Alex, a growl in the shape of the word _Mine_ forming in her throat.  She takes Piper's hand.  

"C'mon," Jenna-or-Haley insists nervously, storing her vodka under Polly's bed.  "Bus is every fifteen minutes, it'll be there in three."

Polly follows her out of the room without another glance back, and the other two follow.  Alex grabs her leather jacket from Piper's desk.  "Here, Pipes."  

Piper's face lights up.  "Are you sure?," she asks even as she turns around and shoves her arm into one of the sleeves. 

Alex helps her finagle drunk, loose limbs into the jacket and smiles.  "I'm sure."

"Are you guys fucking coming?," someone (no points for guessing who, that goddamn bitch) yells from the hallway.

 

* * *

 

At the club, everyone but Alex gets an Under 21 armband.  She smugly flashes her fake ID and gets a stamp of approval on the back of her hand.  It's a standard nightclub - red tinted, over crowded, shit music - save for the slightly younger than usual crowd.  Though most of them, like Piper and her friends, seem to have arrived pre-intoxicated.

"I'm gonna head to the bar," Alex says directly against Piper's ear. 

Piper nods for too long and yells, "Okay!  We'll probably be in that corner! Somewhere!"  She points vaguely in some direction, and Alex nods.

When she finds them, beer in hand, they're all sitting in a corner booth way too low to the ground.  Polly and Haley-or-Jenna are whispering in undertones, while everyone else looks varying degrees of awkward and uncomfortable.  Piper looks miserable, and Alex's anger flares again at whatever the hell Polly said to ruin her drunken bliss.

Alex doesn't even bother making eye contact with the others.  Just extends her hand to Piper and nods toward the dance floor.  Piper takes it gratefully, lets Alex pull her up, but she also looks back at her friends with a beseeching expression.  "Coming?"

Grace and Jenna-or-Haley follow immediately, and with evident reluctance the other two follow as well.  Alex leads the way, pulling Piper expertly through the sweaty crowd and shouldering out enough space for them to stand.  She passes over her bottle of dark beer; Piper takes a generous pull, and Alex puts a hand on Piper's hip and steps into her.

They dance. The sort of dancing that's basically just touching set to music; face to face at first, their noses two inches apart, cheeks flushed with alcohol, eyes hooded.  It's seductive and teasing, the sort of tease that can only come when the _want_ is guaranteed to be fulfilled.  Alex's whole body is thrumming, and she can't tell if it's the pounding base of the music or her own eager pulse.  Piper presses even closer and kisses her, clumsy and frantic and drunk, her teeth scraping against Alex's chin, tongue scrambling for purchase. Alex cups her jaw gently, taking control.  Their tongues vibrate against each other in time with the pounding bass of whatever the fuck hip hop song is playing.  When they pull back, Piper turns around, letting Alex grind against her from behind, but she keeps her head turned, like she needs to maintain eye contact as long as possible.

All at once, for no real reason, Piper’s seductive, self-possessed smile, breaks open and tilts toward something sheepish and self-aware. Her mouth is laughing, the sound lost under the music.  She digs her top teeth into her lower lip and looks up at Alex from underneath her eyelashes.

It’s so goddamned pretty. Almost painfully so. One of those sweet, _nothing_ moments that never fails to unstitch something in Alex’s chest.  Alex isn’t sure what she did back then as a stupid nine year old kid that gave Piper Chapman lifetime access to her heart, but it clearly happened.

She feels a wave of a different sort of possessiveness, something softer, something that feels reciprocal.  Something where _mine_ goes hand in hand with _yours_. 

Placing her lips close to Piper's ear, she says, "I love you," because it's suddenly occurred to Alex she hasn't said it today, not this whole trip.  Piper turns to look at her, smiling, and her mouths form the words to say it back.  Then she laughs again, seemingly for no other reason than that she's drunk and happy, and because Piper and Alex used to dance around Alex's living room to _Baba O'Riley_ and here they are drunk in a nightclub dressed like adults. 

They dance.  Like goofy, silly little kids playing around.  They stay close, and they don't stop laughing.  Alex gets another beer and they split it.  They dance more, until they're sweaty and sore, not to mention dizzy from alcohol and flashing strobe lights.  Somewhere close by Polly and Jenna and Haley are dancing in a semi-circle and Grace is attached at the tongue to a remarkably tall black man, but they may as well be any other strangers in the crowd.

When they're leaning against each other more out of exhaustion than anything else, Alex gives Piper's hand a tug and yells close to her ear, "Let's get out of here!" 

Piper automatically scans their immediate vicinity.  "We can't leave everybody!"

Rolling her eyes, Alex retorts, "Why not?!  It's not like we're their ride."

Five minutes later they burst out of the club into the sharp, thin November air.  Piper's hand is warm in hers as they clatter down the sidewalk in heels that have become more painful than sexy. 

"Which way?" 

Alex bursts out laughing.  "Pipes, this is _your_ school."

"Oh, right!  Over there."  In a burst of confidence she pulls Alex insistently toward a crosswalk, then lets go of her hand to zip up the leather jacket.  "It's so fucking cold.  And my feet hurt." 

"Take off your shoes." 

"I'd get frostbite!  And ruin my tights!"

"At least your priorities are in order."

"Lemme get on your back."

"Fuck no!  Like my feet don't hurt?" 

" _Al_ -ex."

"Nope, nope, nope, fuck no, get away, get back, don't even try..."

Piper lets out a shriek as Alex ducks out of her grasp and takes off down the sidewalk.  She hears Piper chasing her and slows down slightly so she doesn't topple off one of her high heels and faceplant on the sidewalk.

When she catches up, Piper loops both arms around Alex's waist like some overeager player in hide and seek.  Alex tugs on her elbow until Piper straightens up, then slings a steadying arm around her shoulders.  "C'mon, kid.  Team effort.  We can do this."

 

* * *

 

When they reach the edge of campus, they're heading toward the campus bus stop, but suddenly Piper gasps like she's spotted something amazing.  "Alex, wait, c'mere..."

Piper leads the way toward a large brick building with white columns in the front.  "This is where my psych class is," Piper informs her without breaking stride, pulling Alex around to the back of the building before she finally stops and leans against the wall next to an empty bike rack. 

Alex raises her eyebrows, impatient.  "What are we doing?"

Piper doesn't seem to hear.  She pulls Alex against her and gasps out, " _Fuck,_ Alex, it's cold."  Like she isn't the one who wanted to stop.  Like she isn't the one wearing Alex's jacket.

They're both laughing drunkenly, the sound bursting into small clouds of condensation in the air between them.  Alex fumbles awkwardly into the pocket of her jacket, which Piper's hugging tightly against herself, until she pulls out cigarettes and a lighter.

Piper gasps.  "I didn't even know that was in there!"

Alex flicks the lighter and cups a hand over the flame, craving the warmth, then lights a cigarette and takes a long drag.   Piper snatches it from between her fingers and props it haughtily between her lips.  She breathes in, wheezing and coughing almost instantly, somehow still smiling. "I taste like you."

Alex seizes the front of the jacket like it's anchoring her to earth, swaying unsteadily forward, their chins bumping.  She takes the cigarette back; it's stained with two distinct rings of lipstick.  She smirks.  "Oh, yeah?"

"Well,"  Piper starts giggling and it doesn't stop.  "Like your _mouth_ at least."  As if to make her point, Piper pulls Alex across the tiny gap between them and slides her tongue along the seam of Alex's lips before urging them open. 

Alex lets her knee press against the wall of the building, Piper's legs bracketing either side of hers.  Their silliness is gone now.  The cigarette falls forgotten to the ground.  Alex slides her hand up the inside of Piper's thigh, ducked under her dress.

"Your fingers are cold," Piper gasps out in a thin, shaky voice. 

Her tongue flicking at Piper's earlobe, Alex whispers, "Well warm 'em up."

She peels Piper's tights down just far enough to get them out her way and slips chilled fingers into Piper's wet warmth.  Piper's hands twist almost painfully in Alex's hair as she sets a pleasurably rough rhythm. 

Rearing her head back against the brick, Piper lets out a stuck, mewling sound, and Alex grins, pressing the fingers of her free hand tightly against Piper's lips.  "Campus police are gonna think you're being attacked."

Piper's eyes widen, like she's only now remembering where she is - backed against an academic building -  and she strains toward Alex, tightening and throbbing around her hand.  " _Hurry_."

Alex smirks.  "Why?  Not enjoying my Human Sexuality course?"

"Al...Alex..." 

"I know it's an elective, but I think it's really gonna benefit your education."

" _Alex_."

When she comes, it's all heat.

 

* * *

 

 

Alex wakes up the next morning, half naked and alone in Piper's bed.  Somehow they'd made it back to the dorm last night, feet sore, bodies shivering, and barely managed to discard dresses and heels on the floor of Pipers dorm room before crawling into the tiny bed, pressed against each other and huddled under the comforter for precious, relieving warmth.

But now Piper's gone, and after a few seconds of disorientation, Alex hears voices, hissing in stage whispers.  She keeps her eyes shut and tries not to move.

"...fucking looked for you for an _hour_."

"I'm sorry, seriously.  I was drunk - "

"So was I!  And I still tried to make sure we didn't leave you."

"C'mon, Pol, you knew I was with Alex." 

"Don't even get me started on her."

"She's not always great with new people."

"No kidding." 

"Sorry.  Are you seriously gonna make this a huge thing?"

....

" _Polly_."

"Okay, okay, it's fine.  We're fine.  Do you still wanna go to UMass tonight?"

"Do you _want_ us to come?"

"Yeah.  Well.  I want _you_ to come." 

"Stop.  It'll be better, I swear.  It was the first day, we hadn't seen each other in awhile...I told you the college thing is kind of awkward with us."

"Whatever, Pipe.  Unless something goes horribly wrong I'll be staying at Jake's tonight, anyway, so you making it home isn't my problem."

"Is Haley still okay with driving?"

"She better be, it's her turn."

"Are they mad?"

"They'll get over it.  I'll get over it.  We'll all get over it." 

"Good.  Thank you."

"I'm gonna take off.  Pregaming at Haley's place at nine." 

"I know.  I'll probably see you back here to get ready..."

The voices disappear into the hallway for a moment, and then one set of footsteps reenters.  Alex tilts her face a little further into the pillow, keeping her breaths slow and even.  She can hear Piper moving around, probably picking up the mess of cups and shot glasses littering the dorm room.

She gives it about ten minutes before she rolls, stretching ostentatiously.  "Morning."

Piper glances up from scrubbing away a spill on the floor.  Her legs are bare under a slightly oversized Smith hoodie  "Hey."  She smiles at half mast.  Damn it.  They'd ended on a good note last night, but Polly or sobriety or both had apparently erased all that good will.  "How do you feel?"

Alex sits up, assessing herself for hangover.  "Not so bad.  How about you?"

"Fine.  Well.  After I puked in the bathroom."

Wincing sympathetically, Alex grabs her glasses from Piper's desk, asking casually, "Did Polly get back okay?"

"Yeah.  She went to meet some people for a group project."  Piper pauses, hesitating.  "They were pissed we left."

"Why?"  She's not being a dick.  She genuinely just does not get the drama. 

"It's just...it's not what we do.  They looked for us."

Scoffing, Alex asks, "What, none of them have ever left to hook up with some dude?"

"Not without telling anyone."

Alex has the vague sense she's being implicitly blamed for this, even though Piper had only hesitated for about two seconds before agreeing to go.  She waits, but Piper doesn't push it.  Finally, Alex says,  "I had fun with you last night, though."

Slowly, Piper's lips curve into a tiny smile.  "Me, too."  She groans suddenly, covering her face with her hands.  "I can't believe you got me off outside of Wright Hall."

Alex mimes taking a bow.  "Up _against_ Wright Hall, if you want to get technical.

"God, I was wasted."

"Such a champ. And a lightweight."

Piper pokes her tongue between her teeth and grins. 

"I had a goal to fuck in a library while I was here, but really outside on campus is even better."

"Good, cause we aren't fucking in a library."

"Why not?  I thought all college library's have a particular spot where no one goes except for for sex?" 

"Maybe that's not a thing for women's colleges."

"Um, Pipes, are we both women?'

"Yes."

"Would we enjoy fucking in a library?"

"I don't necessarily think a _library_ \- "

"Would we _enjoy_ it?"

"Yes."

"There ya go."  Alex smirks, triumphant.  She swings her legs free of the tangled sheets and gets off the bed, wrestling a Rolling Stones T-shirt from her duffel bag and pulling it on.  "So what's our deal today?" 

"Thought we'd just hang out downtown for awhile, then maybe come back here and walk around campus."  Piper flashes a smile.  "I wanna give you the tour."

"Sounds good."

Nodding her head at the door, Piper asks, "Wanna shower?"

Both of them only half-dressed, Alex follows Piper down the dorm corridor to the hall bathroom; they pass a few girls, most of whom nod blearily at Piper and appear to be recovering from the same sort of night.  The bathroom is hospital white, comprised of a row of bathroom stalls parallel to a row of showers covered in plastic curtains.  Alex lifts her eyebrows.  "Looks like a prison."

"That's a little dramatic."

Alex grins and playfully seizes the pink plastic shower caddy's Piper's toting her shower supplies in.  She moves to the shower stall at the end of the row, pushing the curtain open and leaning in the frame, crooking a finger seductively.

Piper looks like she might protest, but after only a moment's hesitation she smiles, glancing around surreptitiously, and follows Alex in.  "Couldn't do this in prison."

"It's, like,  _really_ fucking cute that you think that." 

 

* * *

 

They take a bus to downtown Northampton and get coffee and sandwiches at a place Piper knows, then spend a few hours exploring shops downtown.

Piper's talking about her English Lit class, the one that's all about short stories by female writers.  She'd brought Alex copies of her favorites over fall break, and they'd spent a rainy afternoon in Alex's bed, limbs tangled, reading out loud to each other during breaks between sex.

Today Piper's obsessed _Recitatif_ by Toni Morrison and _Where Are You Going, Where Have You Been?_ by Joyce Carol Oates, saying she already made Alex a copy of both she can read on the bus ride home if she wants. 

"It's dedicated to Bob Dylan, isn't that funny?  Before we read it the professor played us this song, 'It's All Over Now, Baby Blue'.  Have you heard it?"

"I have."  Alex grabs a blue and white scarf from a rack and wraps it around Piper's neck, tilting her head to study the effect.

"It's good.  Supposedly that specific song is what inspired the story, and it's so weird when you listen to it and then read the story, how well it fits.  Even just the mood or something."

Alex smiles, just listening; she's always loved the way Piper lights up with knowledge, the way she consumes words like they genuinely matter.  She likes the way Piper can't wait to tell her about it, how Piper always knows what book or story she would love.

And she likes this, wandering around secondhand bookstores and thrift stores and record shops.  It's just like Sunday afternoons back home except with more shops to choose from, and it's easy and comforting and familiar.

 

* * *

 

They catch the bus back and then head on foot across campus.  It's cold but not unbearably so.  Piper's in her blue coat and a red beanie Alex hasn't seen before.  She looks almost unfairly adorable, eyes bright and cheeks flushed as she points out every building she has a class in, every spot she meets up with her friends to study or, back when it was warmer, lie on the quad between classes. 

It's hard to be interested.

Piper seems so excited about it.  For three months she's been walking Alex through her days over the phone, vaguely describing her movements about this place, and now she's presenting the visual, making it real. 

Alex doesn't care about it being real.  She'd actually prefer it wasn't.

She can feel herself only half paying attention, can hear the boredom creeping into her one note, indecipherable responses of,  _Mmmmm_ - _hmmmm_.  She doesn't ask question, doesn't quip, doesn't banter.  She acts like a bored high school student, forced on a campus tour by her parents, utterly uninterested in the tour guide's information.

It's pure asshole.  She should just bump her shoulder against Piper's and say something teasing about how none of this is new information, or maybe just change the subject, bring up the library again, flirt and seduce like crazy until Piper agrees.

But Alex can't get there.  She's stuck on this passive aggressive, condescending bullshit.  Like Piper is something she's _tolerating_. 

Piper slowly stops talking and starts passing buildings in silence.  She doesn't let go of Alex's hand, and she doesn't stop walking until they reach the student center.

"I don't guess you want to go in," Piper says finally, a razor's edge to the words.

"Nah, that's okay.  Unless you need something?"

Teeth gritted, Piper shakes her head.  She finally pulls away, and immediately sits down on the long, low concrete steps leading up to the building, like Alex is physically exhausting her. 

Warily, Alex sinks down beside Piper, hugging her knees, hunched against the cold.  She waits.

It takes a minute before Piper says, with the sort of forced calm she's probably proud of herself for maintaining, "You know, I'm going to be home for Thanksgiving in less than three weeks anyway.  If I'd known you had zero interest in seeing where I live, where I have classes, or even in getting to know my friends, we didn't have to plan this visit."

Alex whips her head to look at Piper, stung.  "Wow, _really_?  That was the whole point of me coming?  So, the difference between three and, what, _six_ weeks of us not seeing each other, that's not even a factor?"  The words are all harsh sarcasm, but that doesn't much them any less needy.  Fuck.

Piper closes her eyes.  "That's not what I meant." 

They're both quiet, sitting inches apart but not touching.  Less than two hours ago Alex had Piper practically breathless with laughter in a music store, satirically picking out the most offensive mainstream pop she could and forcing the CDs into Piper's hands.  They just can't seem to stay on even footing this weekend.

When Piper speaks again, the root of the problem - well, her side of it, anyway - becomes clear: Alex hasn't been forgiven for her disinterested, condescending attitude toward Polly & Co. last night.  "Well, you've just spent the past hour treating _me_ like you treated literally everyone at dinner last night.  Like I'm boring the fuck out of you and you can't wait for it to be over." 

"They _were_ boring the fuck out of me."

Piper scowls.  "You didn't even try!  It's like you wanted to hate them!" 

Alex could say the true thing.  That of _course_ she wanted to hate them.  That there was no way she couldn't hate them.  That she'd felt like the outsider, and she's not used to feeling excluded in anything involving Piper.  

Here's the thing:  when they talk on the phone, Alex is the one to end the conversation.  She hangs up first, always.  When they've said goodbye to each other (three times so far: the beginning of the semester, Labor Day weekend, fall break), Alex is the one to start it.  She pulls away from the last kiss, she nudges Piper toward the car, she tells her to go.  Every.  Single.  Time.

It's the illusion of control she likes, the way it makes it seem like the goodbye is on her terms.  But strip away the surface, and it doesn't change the fact that Piper's the one doing the leaving.  Piper's the one with the shiny new life.  And sometimes the reason Alex is hanging up the phone is because the smile in Piper's voice when she talks about college hurts.  And maybe the reason she tells Piper to go is so she can pretend Piper isn't even a little happy to be going.

Alex could say all of that.  It would end the argument, would make Piper's eyes soft and her voice sweet and she'd say all the right things.  But it would also sound pathetic and weak and sad.  It would be admitting that all this is happening on Piper's terms. 

So instead, she makes a derisive, snorting sound and says, "You didn't seem to care last night."

"I was drunk.  And _distracted_."  Alex starts to smirk, but Piper isn't smiling even a little bit.  "I've already had to apologize to Polly for you - "

"Oh, _fuck_ Polly."

Piper's jaw clenches, and she swings an angry glare toward Alex, lips parted to let some angry retort fly, but then she frowns slightly, squinting discerningly.  "You know, you got pissy every time I talked about Polly even before you met her.  What's the deal?  Are you jealous or something?  Because she's straight."

Alex lets out a bark of a laugh.  "Oh, I know."  She manages to make that sound like an insult.  Polly, she can guess, is the type of girl to maybe, _maybe_ , get drunk and make out with one her female friends between peals of laughter.  She'd wake up the next morning ridiculously pleased with herself, crossing Be A Lesbian For, Like, Five Minutes off her list of essential college experiences.  "I'm _not_ jealous of Polly." 

But there's another true thing she won't say:  she isn't jealous of Polly as Piper's girlfriend, sure.  But as Piper's best friend since fourth grade...yeah.  She's jealous.  But that's incredibly fucking stupid.  It doesn't even make sense. 

"So you're just being an asshole for no reason?"

Alex groans.  "Christ, Piper.  We just had a really fun morning and now you're ruining it over this?"

" _No_.  I was gonna let it go, show you around campus so you can see where I spend every damn day of my life, no big deal, but apparently that's not fun enough for you either."

 _Figure it out, Pipes!_   Alex wants to scream.  _Figure out the common denominator here.  Figure out what I'm thinking, guess what the problem is even though I can't seem to tell you._

She rests her chin on her knees and stares broodily forward, refusing to apologize or excuse herself.  Finally, Piper sighs loudly and stands up.

"We should probably head back."

"Why?" Alex mutters, still hunched on the low stone stairs, Piper towering over her.  "Do we have a pre-pre-pregame to go to with everyone you know?"

"No.  I made a dinner reservation at this Italian place downtown.  I wanted to take you on a date.  One that actually looks like a date."

Oh.

That was great timing.  Perfect to hurt, perfect to make Alex feel like even more of an ass. 

Alex stares up Piper, framed against the grey winter sky, her beanie too low on her head.  It feels, suddenly, like one of those random, snapshot moments Alex is going to have to remember forever.  Piper's expression is so goddamned tired.  Like Alex is _draining_ her of something.  Alex thinks of Piper's face when she first got off the train, that brilliant unfettered sunshine smile, and how in only one day it's turned into this.  Unbidden, Fahri's voice floats through her head.

_Most people are better in the abstract._

Alex is afraid she's becoming one of those people. 

Piper isn't.  Piper, somehow, is always even better than she remembers.

 

* * *

 

There is more to the story of this weekend.  More to the story of Alex's asshole behavior. 

She had been planning to tell Piper.  About Fahri, about the drug ring, about trips to nearby colleges to recruit drug mules.  She was going to tell Piper about all of it.

So there's that.

Alex had managed to convince herself it was Not A Big Deal.  She'd been prepared for some unpleasantness, some premium Piper ranting and concern.  She figured she'd get it out of the way the first night, they'd fight through it and then make a conscious choice not to let it ruin the weekend.

She'd been pretty fucking stupid.

About eight minutes after seeing Piper, when they were driving back to the dorm, The Cure singing through the speakers ( _Friday, never hesitate_ ),  Alex changed her mind.  A weekend wasn't enough time.  She'd wait until Thanksgiving.  But actually, Christmas would be better, and it wasn't much later.  They'd have _week_ _s_ to work it out at Christmas.  Definitely better to wait.

So she'd chickened out, basically.  And suddenly there had been no more room to deny how fucking terrified she is to tell Piper the truth.  Piper, who always follows the rules, who never let Alex so much as copy her homework.  Who now has a shiny new life full of shiny new friends.  The more Alex sees of it, the more she starts to believe Piper doesn't need her.  That she'll be okay, with her friends waiting to comfort her if she finds out what Alex is doing and ends things.

Fuck, she might actually end things.

Alex isn't doing much, right now.  Not yet.  She recruits.  Occasionally makes small, local deliveries.  Right now, it's about learning.  A drug cartel internship, ha fucking ha.  She isn't really moving product yet; she's sending the mules to other, more important people to work out the details.  She's not told too much about what happens once they get there.

Not yet.

But Fahri has plans.  Fahri thinks she has potential.  Fahri knows about Alex's plan to move to Northampton next year, and he think it's perfect: affluent town with five colleges.  He's talking about the future.  About traveling.  About money.  

When Alex first stood in her kitchen staring at a coaster scrawled with Fahri's phone number, she'd told herself it would only be for a little while.  Just a year, just to make enough money for the apartment by Piper's sophomore year.  But she's stopped thinking of an end date.  This thing is dangerous. Not because of the drugs, or the criminal element, or even the life or death stakes high up on the ladder. No, it’s dangerous because it's handing Alex hope.

For the first time in her life, it has Alex constructing careful plans. It has her _wanting_ things. She wants to travel and see the world.  She wants to never wear a nametag or an apron or a fast food uniform again.  She wants to get her mother a house...not rented either, something that’s all _hers_.

But she also wants Piper.  She wants to wake up with her in an apartment that’s theirs, every day. She wants certainty and permanence and no more goodbyes.

The fear that Alex can’t have both is threatening to break her. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd originally intended this to be a oneshot, but apparently I'm supremely bad at estimating fic length because it was getting out of control. I've written beyond this stopping point, and am actually almost done, so the update should be fairly quick. Love to hear what you thought!


	2. Chapter 2

They walk back to Piper's dorm with several feet between them, barely talking. It's a slow, maddening torture. 

Someone should apologize.  And it should probably be Alex.  Piper hasn't done anything wrong, technicaly.  Alex knows that, but she doesn't quite feel it.

They reach the dorm building, but when Piper opens the door Alex says, "I might, uh..."  She holds up her cigarette pack.  

Piper nods, leaning against the propped open door and pulling the key that opens the building off her key ring to hand to Alex.  "You remember the room number?"

"Yeah."  Had she inadvertently implied she wanted to be alone?  Or did Piper just want a moment away from her? 

"We should leave in like forty-five minutes...if you want to go to dinner."  The door closes.  Alex leans against the building and smokes.  She's a fucking disaster.  She can see what she's done wrong, can admit without excuses that the tension is all on her...and yet she can't bring herself to explain or even apologize.  

That doesn't leave her with many options.

She grinds her cigarette into the grass and unlocks the dorm.  Before she heads to the stairs to go up to Piper's floor, Alex spots a row of phones.  She looks at her watch, then walks over to them and dials.  Two rings, and then a voice:  "Hello?"

"Hey, Mom."

"Oh, hiya, kiddo!  Didn't think I'd be hearing from you this weekend...you living that fancy university life and all."

"Ha.  I just figured I'd catch you between shifts."

"Well, glad you did.  So how's it going?  How's our girl?"

"Piper's good."

"You two having fun?"

"Yeah..."

"What?"

"Nothing.  I don't know."

"Okay, babe, out with it.  What happened?"

"Nothing."

"Mmm-hmmm.  You two have your hands off each other long enough for you to call me?  Something's wrong."

"Wow, okay, thanks, Mom."

"Pipes practically lived with us your last two years of high school, let's not pretend I don't know what you two are like.  Out with it."

"I think I'm fucking up the weekend."

"How so?"

"Just being a bitch."

"To Piper?"

"No.  Well, a little.  Mostly to her friends."

"Ah.  Probably too simple to just tell you to stop, right?"

"Probably.  Also too late."

"Okay.  Well.  What's the deal?  You don't like her friends?"

"No.  We hung out with them all last night.  The hatred was mutual." 

"Mmm-hmmm."

"What?"

"You didn't want to hang out with her friends."

"No."

"So you were an asshole to them."

"Yeah."

"Instead of just telling Piper you didn't want to hang out with her friends."

"Right."

"Uh-huh."

"What?"

"Well, you know what she was doing."

"No, not really."

"She was showing you off, babe.  It must be nice for her." 

"What must?"

"Getting to do that.  Now that she's finally away from those uptight fuckers."

"Wha - do you mean her parents?"

"Mmm-hmmm.  Don't tell Piper I said that, obviously.  But the way you two had to sneak around at her house?  At school?  Keep everything such a secret?  Poor kid."  

"Yeah."

"I know it's shit having her far away, Al.  But, trust me...it's good she got to leave."

Alex presses her forehead against the wall next to the phone, suddenly, irritatingly, having to blink back tears.  "I guess."

"And if you're really planning to move there next year, no wonder she wants you to get to know her friends."

"Oh, shit.  That's right.  I'm probably gonna have to find her new friends."

"Knowing you, you'll be able to."

There's a long silence.  Alex rubs the heel of her hand under her eyes.  

Finally, her mom asks gently, "You good?"

"Yeah.  Thanks."

"What do you guys have planned tonight?"  

"Going to dinner.  Pipes, like...made a reservation.  She wants to do the whole _date_ thing."

"Well, isn't that damn sweet of her?"

"Yeah.  I feel pretty shitty about it."

"Don't feel shitty.  But don't act shitty either, yeah?  That girl can't stay mad at you, Al, but don't test that too much." 

"Alright."

"You okay?"

"Yeah."

"Alright.  I love ya, babe.  Tell Pipe I said hi."

"Love you, too.  I'll see you tomorrow."

Alex hangs up but stays where she is, considering if what her mom said was true:  _that girl can't stay mad at you_.  To a certain extent, it is; it's why they'd had fun last night and this morning even after the disastrous dinner and pregame.  Piper had, to her credit, attempted to let a lot of things go.

But at some point, Alex is going to push her too far.

She goes upstairs, knocks twice on Piper's dorm room and then walks inside.  Polly's not there, thank God.  Piper's lying on her bed, and she sits up fast when Alex walks in.  Her eyes are red.

Purposeful, almost desperately so, Alex walks straight to Piper, takes her face in her hands, and kisses her.  Long and soft.  

Piper's breathing hard when Alex pulls away.  "Um...was that your version of an apology?"

"If you count it, yeah."

Piper's not looking her in the eye, gaze fixed on her own fingers, playing absently with the zipper on Alex's jacket.  Finally, she says, "You're lucky you are very fucking good at that."

"I want to go to dinner," Alex says quietly.  "Really, I do."  

"Okay.  Good."

"And the party..."  Alex hesitates, then says resolutely, "I'll be better.  Promise."

Piper smiles the slightest bit.  "Okay."

"Do you still like me?"

That earns a laugh, and an eyeroll.  "You're an idiot."

 

* * *

 

They change for dinner and take a shuttle to the off campus lot to fetch Piper's car.  Things are still quiet.  They're polite to each other, not at all natural.  So, okay, kissing Piper senseless is nice, but it doesn't _actually_ take the place of apologies. 

Alex is relieved when they get to Piper's car, because then at least there's music.  Piper doesn't protest when Alex starts fast forwarding through cassettes, that obnoxious screech filling the car as she searches for something she wants to hear, something that might reflect a better mood than they're feeling.  She stops at random in the middle of an old, unlabeled mixtape and suddenly her father's band is screaming through the speakers.  Piper looks away from the road, eyes wide, and Alex instinctively pounds the eject button.  

"Sorry."

"Don't be sorry," Alex mutters, tossing the tape into the backseat.  "I probably gave it to you."  

It's silent again.  Shaking off the moment, Alex resumes pawing through the stack of tapes in the glove box, looking for something else, until Piper blurts out,  "I'm also...I'm sorry about the thing with Polly.  When she said she knew about your dad."  

It's absurd, of course, that Piper's the one handing out apologies.  And still Alex doesn't brush it off.  Her hands go still.  "What did you tell her?"

Piper winces.  "I told her what happened at the concert."

" _Fuck_ , Piper."

"I know.  I'm sorry.  We were drinking, and - "

"When did that happen?"

"I don't know.  When I was about to go see you for Labor Day weekend."  

"So you told some girl you'd known for, what, less than three weeks, about the worst moment of my life?"

"I know it sounds stupid, Alex, but it's like...you weren't a real person to her.  It's not the same as telling someone who knows you."

"And you didn't think I'd ever meet your roommate?"  

"I  _wasn't thinking_.  Look, we were drunk, and we were laying outside the dorm on the grass...it was one of those things, you know, where we were swapping stories and bonding - "  Alex makes a snorting sound that Piper ignores.  "- Polly was talking about this guy she dated in high school who'd been in and out of foster homes and -"

"Oh, and I'm your equivalent to that?"

"No!"  

"Is that what I am to you?  Some dysfunctional, tragic story to make you more interesting?  Your low class girlfriend and her slutty mom who got pregnant by a druggie deadbeat rock star?" 

At the phrase  _slutty mom_ , Piper slams on the brakes and jerks her head toward the passenger seat, eyes swimming with venom.  " _Fuck_ you, Alex."

"Fuck  _me_?!"

" _Yes_.  Fuck.  You.  You _know_ I don't think that, I know you do, so you're just being mean."

Alex does know that Piper doesn't think that.  But she can't access that knowledge right now, not when she's stuck on the image of Polly and Piper laying outside their dorm room, drunk on shots of cheap vodka from two separate handles of Smirnoff, _bonding_.  She feels physically sick, and she's got an insane need to know  _exactly_ what Piper said, what words she used to describe that night.  Did she tell Polly she'd suspected it might go badly?  Did she make Alex sound oblivious and childish and stupidly, stupidly naive?  Did she tell Polly what Alex's dad had said,  _exactly_ , that he'd complimented her rack and mentioned that he could have accidentally fucked her? Did she say it was the first and only time she'd ever seen Alex cry, that she'd bawled like a baby in the parking lot of a fucking Chili's?

Cars are honking behind them, and Piper presses the gas again, agitated, turning off the main road onto a residential street.  "And I can't believe you're trying to pick a fight and act like  _I'm_ the one who has something to apologize for."

"This isn't some small tiny thing, Piper, don't act like it is.  And I didn't ask you anything about it last night...you aren't the only one letting shit go this weekend."

Piper pulls over and parks at a curb, leaving her full attention to the fight.  " _I_ apologized."

"That doesn't make it better!"

"It's more than you've done." 

"Oh, so we're on that now?  Fuck, Pipes, you have to decide if you're mad or not!  If you were so fucking pissed at me about dinner last night, you shouldn't have acted perfectly fine."

"Would getting mad make any fucking difference?  You never think you do anything wrong."

"You don't have a fucking clue, do you?" 

"What the hell does that mean?"

Alex shakes her head, not looking at Piper.  In a swift, sudden motion, she throws the passenger side door open, muttering something about needing air, and slams it shut behind her.

She walks quickly down the sidewalk, her back to Piper's car.  She pulls out a cigarette but doesn't light it.  Her fingers are shaking.

A wild, high pitched laugh lurches out of Alex, and she's thinking she might as well tell Piper the truth about Fahri and the drug ring; at this point, what could it hurt? 

Of course that's bullshit, and she's more scared to tell Piper than ever.  They're on such thin ice right now, something like that would crack the whole goddamn lake.

She walks the length of the block and then turns back.  Her thoughts are still scattered, and she doesn't feel any calmer.  The car's still parked; when she gets closer, Alex can see Piper bent over the steering wheel, head cradled in her hands.  Automatically, Alex's throat narrows; she hates when Piper cries.

She approaches the car slowly, and slides back into the passenger seat.  

"Pipes."

Piper doesn't look up.  Alex tentatively reaches over, her fingers splaying gently over the nape of Piper's neck.  "Piper."

"I thought we were doing good."  Piper looks over, her voice high and thick and wet.  

"What?"

"This whole fucking... _long_ _distance relationship_  thing.  We talk on the phone regularly, we don't get all suspicious and paranoid.  I thought we were doing really well.  But...this weekend wouldn't be going like this if we were okay, would it?"

It takes a moment for Alex to answer, her voice small, "Probably not."

For a second they stare at each other, completely still, like they're both terrified to move, to set in motion what might come next.  

Finally, Alex tries, "We used to see each other every day of our lives, Pipes.  For basically nine years.  This...it was always gonna be shit."

Piper blinks out a few tears.  "I thought, for us...it could be easy."

"I know you did."  Funny, because Alex had always known it would be hard, had always been scared to death of it.  "I'm probably not _making_ it easy."  Piper leans her head back against the car seat and looks at Alex.  Her eyes are soft, all traces of anger gone.  Quietly, Alex admits, "It's...kind of hard being here.  And seeing you here."

"You should have said something."

"I know."  She reaches for Piper's face, gently running her knuckles across tear streaks.  "I'm sorry."

Piper draws a deep, shaky breath.  "So what do we do?"  She looks at Alex.  Her eyes are big and wet; they look fragile, somehow, like blue glass.  And she's looking at Alex like somehow, in spite of all this, Piper still believes she'll have the answer.  

What kills Alex is that sometimes she can look at Piper and see all her incarnations: age nine, all braided pigtails and wide eyed innocence; age thirteen, looking at Alex with obvious hero worship, wanting to be just like her, achingly unaware that all Alex wanted was her; age sixteen, naked and glowing with the simultaneous thrill and comfort of diving headfirst into a different sort of love.  

And now there's this: eighteen, in love, and terrified.  Eighteen and holding on for dear life.

"We get through the year, I guess," Alex answers at last.  "Maybe stop pretending like it doesn't suck."  

"I do that, don't I?"

"A little."  Alex leans across the center console to kiss Piper's cheek.  When she pulls away, she stays close.  Piper drops her forehead against Alex's for a brief moment.

"Can I say something?  About telling Polly about the concert?"

"You don't have to -"

"I know, but I want to explain.  It just...it didn't feel like I was only telling her something that happened to  _you._ About you meeting your father.  I was telling her about  _me_ , having to watch the person I love more than anyone get hurt without being able to do anything about it."  Piper sighs, and frowns, like she hasn't just said something painfully sweet.  "That probably sounds self-absorbed, doesn't it?"

"No," Alex says quietly.  "No, I get what you mean."  She doesn't like the idea of Piper having that kind of conversation with Polly at all, but she can't really fault her for it.  The night happened to Piper, too... _anything_ that happens to one of them happens to the other.  It just means something different, sometimes.  

They go silent again, both leaning into the center console, as close as the car will allow them to be.  Piper's fingers trace absent patterns across the back of Alex's hand.  Finally, _finally_ , Alex offers her something.  "I...I know I fuck up."

"What?"

"You said I never think I do anything wrong.  Trust me, I _always_ know.  Actually, I'm pretty much the _master_ of handling things completely wrong."

A pause follows that pronouncement, and then Piper gives her a tiny fraction of a smile.  "Well I won't argue."

Alex smiles back.

"I think we missed our reservation."

"That's okay.  Probably not the night for it."  Alex turns her hand over, linking her fingers with Piper.  "I've got another idea." 

 

* * *

 

They get burgers and fries and eat in the car in a parking lot of Wendy's.  The silence isn't so much tense as it is tired.  

Alex remembers when they were kids, sleeping over at each other's houses before the sleepovers became about sex, or even before they became about sneaking alcohol from the kitchen, trying to convince Piper to smoke or trying to stop Piper from talking about boys.  When they were ten or eleven and still fit comfortably in Alex's twin bed, she remembers staying awake even after they cut off the music and finally admitted to being tired.   They still wouldn't stop talking.  She can remember the feeling of those nights, how easily words slip out in the dark, how she'd end up laughing until she couldn't breathe, or having to press her hand over Piper's mouth to keep her from waking up Diane sleeping in the living room.  But she can never remember what it was they talked about.

"Music?"  Alex asks, already pulling out a tape with a label she recognizes.

Piper grins, reaching out and plucking the tape from Alex's hands.  "Sure, but I'm picking for once."

Alex lets out an exagerrated groan.  "Is it gonna be Jewel?  Mariah Carey?  I swear to God, Pipes, if you play NSYNC we have bigger issues than we thought."

Piper ignores her, pulling a cassette from the center console and pushing it in.  The wistful notes of a single electric guitar filter through the speakers, and Piper shoots Alex a smug look.  "It's from this decade, but you'll have to deal."

Alex listens dutifully, and they go quiet again until the song gets to it's chorus.

 _Someday you will find me, caught beneath the landslide_.

Then, out of nowhere, Piper says hesitantly, "Al...I wanna ask you something.  But I'm afraid it'll make you mad."

Alex barely suppresses a groan.  It's fucked up timing, but now that Piper's said something, it's not like Alex can tell her to keep it to herself.  "Go ahead."

"Are you hanging out with...those people again?"

It's the last thing Alex is expecting, and it doesn't make her mad; partially because she's not sure what Piper's talking about.  "What people?"

Piper makes a face.  She isn't looking at Alex.  "Like, um...those people from that house?  Where I found you junior year."

Clarity dawns, and Alex rolls her eyes.  "Are you asking if I've hung out with anyone who happened to be in Will Lionel's house on the one particular day you came there?"  Piper doesn't answer.  "Ask what you really want to know."

"Okay."  It takes her a moment to string the words together.  "Are you doing drugs again?"

Even though Alex has worked out what Piper's worried about, icy panic knifes instinctively through her at the accusatory tone wrapped around the word  _drugs_.  

But she's able to say " _No."_ with complete honesty.  She knows Piper's referring to back when they weren't speaking, Alex's month or so of blowing off school and taking LSD in Will Lionel's craphole of a house.  She hadn't actually liked it much, and she'd _hated_ the aftereffects, the way her brain would trick her into thinking she was still on a trip.  Alex hates the feeling of being out of control.  Those months had taught her that, and watching Fahri's clients has only confirmed it.  Fuck, she doesn't even smoke pot anymore, and she takes care not to drink to the point of blacking out. 

Alex squints at Piper, more confused than annoyed.  "Why do you think that?"

"Your mom says you're sometimes gone for a few days at a time."

That's news to Alex.  "You talk to my mom?"

"You  _know_ I talk to your mom."

"I know you say  _hi_ before she passes the phone back to me."

"And sometimes I call and you're not there."

"Does my mom think I'm off doing drugs?"

"Not that she's said."

Alex sighs, leaning back in her seat.   "Pipes, are you really asking if I'm doing drugs with deadbeats again or do you just want to know where I go for a few days?"

Piper meets her eyes.  "It's not like I'm not curious, but...those people were really the first thing I thought about.  It's what you were doing last time you didn't come home for days."

She scrutinizes Piper's expression, realizing she's telling the truth.  So Alex lies.  "You know those theater tech kids I used to kinda hang out with?"  Piper nods.  "A bunch of them go to State," she says, referring to the college only forty-five minutes from their hometown, where probably 30% of their graduating class ended up.  Not to mention where Alex does a lot of her recruting.  "That's mainly where I've been using my fake ID.  No drugs.  I promise."

Piper looks relieved, and there's nothing accusatory in her voice when she says, "You never mentioned it."

"That's because it's fucking sad, Pipes.  You're here, with all these new friends, and this new life, and I'm, what?  Hanging out with assholes I barely even liked in high school."

It sounds like the truth, and it's easy to lie, because the core of it is accurate: it is sad.  It's fucking pathetic, really.  The most pathetic part being that she still can't tell Piper what's really going on.  

 

* * *

 

On the ride back to the campus, Alex leans over to Piper and tells her to pull over somewhere.  

"Why?" She asks innocently.  "You  _need some air_ again?"

"Hmm-mm, we won't be getting out." 

Piper grins, but only says, "We gotta get back to change if we're still going to that party."  She glances over, quickly adding, "Which we don't have to."   

"I'm good with the party.  But you're still gonna need to pull over."  She takes off her seatbelt and leans close. "We're at what, zero for today?  Versus six yesterday, that's pathetic."

"Glad to know the shower made a major impression on you this morning."

"Okay, fine, one to six.  Still a shoddy performance."

"Don't forget Polly's out of the room tonight."

"Oh, I'd never forget that.  But it doesn't cancel out the need for you to park the car."  Between words, Alex trails her lips lazily across Piper's neck.  "Or the need for us to find an empty bedroom at the party."  

Piper exhales a shaky breath, and within a minute she pulls the car onto a side street, circling neighborhoods until she finds somewhere appropriately dark and dead for the night.

Piper's still trying to parallel park when Alex crawls gracefully into the backseat.  As soon as the car is in park, Alex reaches over and takes Piper's arms, tugging her playfully toward the backseat.

 

* * *

 

"I love you," Piper says after, the words murmured softly into Alex's shoulder.  "You know that, right?"

Piper hates that jokes Alex plays, responding to an  _I love you_ with a smug smile and an  _I know_.  But now the question is serious; she genuinely wants an answer.  

Alex, splayed across the backseat with Piper straddling her lap, looks up at her.  Piper's hair is falling like a curtain around their faces, and Alex gently brushes it back, tucking it behind Piper's ears as she answers, "Yeah.  I know."

An ugly, manipulative impulse balloons in Alex's chest.  She wants to extract a promise from Piper. 

_Promise me nothing can change that._

_Promise me it stays true no matter what happens._

_No matter what I do._

_Promise_.

But she doesn't say it, less because of a guilty conscience and more to avoid the questions it might bring.  Instead, Alex lifts her face to kiss Piper, leaving the whispered words "Love you, too." smeared across her lips. 

 

* * *

 

When they walk back into Piper's dorm room, Alanis Morissette is playing from the CD player and Polly's standing in front of her closet door mirror, curling her hair.  Her eyes flit over to register in their entrance.  "Cutting it close, Pipe."

"We'll change fast.  If you need to leave for Haley's without us, we'll catch up."

"It's fine, I'll wait." 

Polly's avoiding so much as a glance to acknowledge Alex's presence, so she carelessly pulls her shirt off even as she crosses the room to rummage through her duffel bag for house party appropriate clothes.  Piper and Polly start talking about Jake, the lucky guy who gets Polly sleeping over tonight, and Alex gladly tunes them out. A few minutes later, when Alex turns around to grab her boots, clad in leather pants and a clinging black and white sweater, she catches Piper staring at her ass, obviously ignoring whatever Polly's saying.  Pleased, Alex shoots her a slightly sardonic wink.  

A few minutes later, when Piper's changed into tight black jeans and a sleeveless silver top - and Alex has indulged in a little ass gazing of her own - she glances between Alex and Polly before announcing, "I'm going to run to the bathroom and then I'm good to go if you guys are."

"Sure."

"I'm ready."

Piper looks slightly nervous to leave them alone together, which Alex would be amused by if she didn't think most of that nervousness was because of her, and what she might say.  When the door closes behind Piper, Polly actually reaches back and turns the music up a notch.  Alex rolls her eyes.

Then, against her better judgment, but with every fight she's had with Piper since getting here ringing in her ears, Alex decides to Make An Effort.  

"Hey, Polly?"

The other girl turns around with a look of naked suspicion, as though Alex is an active con artist.  It's so over the top it's all Alex can do to carry on with her impulse and say, "I'm really glad you and Piper hit it off so well."  Another lie, but the good intentioned kind for once.  "She was kinda freaked about the whole random roommate thing."

Polly doesn't answer right away, just squints at Alex like she's waiting for the punchline.  Or possibly waiting for Alex to literally punch her.  Still, eventually her expression relaxes a little, and she answers in a guarded voice, "Yeah, so was I.  We're lucky it worked out."  Polly pauses, seemingly trying to decide if she wants to take this conversation further.  Finally, she adds casually, "It'll suck if I do end up having to find a new roommate next year."

Alex's body stiffens, the whole sentence ringing discordantly in her ears, and it takes her a moment to figure out the offending word.  " _If_?"  

"Yeah.  Don't worry, I know you guys had talked about maybe getting an apartment next year."  She can't quite keep the skepticism out of her tone.  "But Pipe said if that didn't work out we could just keep our same room."  She waves at the dorm room in all its lime green, chick flick postered glory.  

For a second, Alex just stares at Polly, trying to figure out if she's just playing some game.  But she's not paying any attention to Alex's reaction at all, and anyway Alex's instincts tell her Polly would be a shitty liar.

Which means Piper really did say the apartment might not work out.

What?

What what what  _what_?

Piper comes back in the room, an oblivious smile on her face.  "Ready?"

Immediately, Polly goes to the mini-fridge in the closet, loading up the vodka for travel.  Piper comes up to kiss Alex lightly on the cheek.  "You good?"

Alex nods mutely.  Piper hands Polly a stack of plastic shot glasses from the window sill and then slips her hand into Alex's.  

 _What_?

 

* * *

 

Even though they aren't heading anywhere where age will restrict their drinking, everyone seems just as committed to getting drunk before they get there.  Alex takes two shots every time the bottle comes around and doesn't talk.  After about twenty minutes, Piper leans over and asks, "Is this some sort of thing where you can't say anything nice so you're not gonna say anything at all?"

"No."

"Are you okay?"

Instead of answering, Alex grabs the bottle Grace is offering and somewhat messily pours a shot.  She tosses it back without waiting for Piper to get one ready.  For the rest of the pregame, Piper keeps trying to catch her eye, her gaze a blatant request for reassurance.  Alex isn't playing the silent treatment, or putting on a poker face;   she just feels numb and shaken, like she's still absorbing an impact; she can't even get to anger. 

Haley stays sober through the pregame, and around ten they pile into the backseat of her car, Piper half on Alex's lap in the backseat.  Piper seems much more sober than she was at this point in the proceedings last night, but Alex hadn't paid enough attention to notice if she'd been skipping shots deliberately.  

Alex is perversely glad for her own inebriation, at least; it's shutting down layers of her brain, making everything seem simple: Piper's making other plans.  She hasn't brought up getting an apartment all weekend, or even for the past several weeks.  

She's not counting on it anymore.  Maybe doesn't even want it.

 

* * *

 

The party, at a house just off the UMass campus, looks like every college movie ever made.  Crappy music pumping through a speaker system and vibrating the whole house, people draped over furniture and huddled in corners, sitting in circles on the floor playing drinking games, makeshift dance floors wherever there's space.  There are four giant buckets filled with some sort of unnaturally orange concoction in the kitchen, and Piper's friends have no qualms about dipping red Solo cups into the buckets for "Party Juice".  The counters are sticky and crowded with mostly empty bottles and bags of chips, but Alex sorts through the mess until she finds a bottle of Fireball whiskey with maybe a third of its contents left.

Piper sees her just as she takes a swig.  Grabbing Alex's arm, she demands, "What the hell, where did that come from?" 

"The counter."

"You shouldn't drink random open containers."

Alex arches an eyebrow and slurs out in slow, halting phrases, " _You_ are _literally_ drinking from an open _bucket_." Piper frowns down at her cup, then glances over at the bucket set up like it's the first time she's connected it to the standard 'open container' warnings.  Before Piper can come up with a reply, Alex sardonically lifts her whiskey bottle in a toast.  "To reckless living."

Piper's brow furrows in concern.  "Alex, what's...do you wanna go somewhere and talk?"  

"No, no, we're at a college party.  You probably want to party at college.  So go party."

"Okay..."  Piper eyes her uncertainly.  "You want to go sign up to play beer pong?  I'm like, weirdly good at it."

"You have to sign up?"

"Yeah, well, there's always people waiting.  Winners stay up, and then they just go down the list."

"Got it."

"So you want to?"

"No, no, you go ahead.  Play with Polly or whoever."  

"Alex - "

"I'll come watch, okay?  I'll cheer you on."

But when Piper and Polly go to the dining room, which is apparently beer pong central, Alex trails behind them for a few seconds before slipping away into the crowd.

She moves through the party, taking intermittent sips from her poached whiskey and observing the different pockets of partygoers with an almost clinical detachment.  She knows from phone calls that Piper does this most weekends, as if the very same party just pauses for classes then picks back up again.  All these people show up, caught in some perpetual cycle: dumb kids doing what movies tell them they're supposed to.  And college students are supposed to be the respectable ones.  The ones with futures. 

Fuck that.

Alex stays in the sprawling living room until she sees Piper come through from the dining room, scanning the crowd.  Alex turns before she's spotted and heads up the stairs.  She doesn't stop to analyze her own actions, and she's drunk enough that she doesn't have to.

She kicks open the first door she sees that's slightly ajar, and finds herself being gaped at by a circle of fratty looking guys passing a bowl around.  Their startled looks mold instantly into leering grins.  They look her up and down in that way she hates, but she just smiles and leans on the doorframe.  "Sorry, I was just following the smell."

Obediently, the guy holding the bowl stands up, lighter ready.  "Help yourself, gorgeous." 

She takes the bowl, and when the guy leans over to light it she takes the lighter, too, doing it herself.  She inhales, a long hit that makes the guys wolf whistle and cat call.  She exhales in the eager dude's face and hands the paraphernalia back, immediately turning to go.  They all groan loudly, one yelling, "You can't just smoke and run, baby!"  She throws her middle finger over her shoulder and slams the door.

She tilts the bottle all the way back and finishes up the last of the whiskey, then leaves it lying haphazardly in the hallway, enjoying the cross buzz that's starting to settle.  She goes back downstairs, shouldering through the crowd and keeping an eye out for Piper.  Someone grabs her arm and she nearly jumps out of her skin, but it's only Grace.  She leans close and yells over the music,  "Hey, Alex, I think Piper's looking for you."  Alex nods vaguely and continues her trek toward the kitchen, in search of something else to drink.

The bottles littering the countertop prove disappointing, and Alex is about to give in and sample some of the orange Koolaid concoction when she gets distracted by a flip cup game going on on the counter.  Alex leans against the fridge and watches for awhile; the redheaded girl at the end is killing the three guys she's playing against.  She's flushed and bright eyed and celebrating more loudly than is strictly necessary, but she's got a sweet smile and is just a tad overdressed for a house party.  Alex's brain is foggy with alcohol, but she still goes automatically into bar mod, recruitment mode, work mode, simply to have something to do.

She struts across the kitchen and leans on the edge of the counter, right next to the redhead.  The girl cuts her eyes at Alex and smiles, but continues the game.  When she wins, Alex cheers along with her.

"You're really good at that," Alex tells her.

The girl glances at her again, blushing.  "Ah, thanks."

Alex cranks her smile up a notch, then says teasingly, "Lemme guess, you're majoring in flip cup."

Red laughs, fumbling to pick up the joke.  "Oh, yeah.  It's a really intensive program here."

"Oh, I'm sure.  Your parents proud?"

"Well, they weren't into it at first, but I gotta follow my passion, right?"  She giggles.

Alex leans a little closer, flashing her teeth.  "I admire that in a girl."

One of the guys on the other side of Red says something to her, and she nods but then immediately turns back to Alex.  "Um, do you wanna play?"

"Probably not fair, right?"  Alex rests her chin on her hand.  "Amateur, professional...hardly an even match."

The girl giggles again.  "What year are you?"

"What?"

"I mean...do you go here?"

"The school?"  The girl nods.  "Nope.  Should I?"

" _Alex_ _._ "

She turns, at the same moment Piper's hand closes around her wrist.  Her eyes are blazing with anger, but it's badly concealing a shocked sort of hurt.  "We gotta talk."

Alex allows herself to be dragged through the house.  They go through a sliding glass door and end up on a deck built two feet off the large backyard, littered with actual furniture.  It probably used to be crucial to the parties, but has emptied out for the winter season, so they have it and the cold night air all to themselves.  

Piper lets go of her and folds her arms.  "What the fuck are you doing?"

"Mingling at a party?"

"Right," Piper grits out between clenched teeth.  "You can't be nice to my friends, but point you at a random hot stranger and you're suddenly a social butterfly."  In spite of Piper's best attempt to sound hard, her voice wavers, and she pulls her lower lip between her teeth to stop it from trembling.  

Alex groans and rubs her temples.  She's too drunk for this conversation.  Too drunk to work out if it's worse for Piper to think she was hitting on a girl or recruiting a girl to transport heroin.  So drunk that it takes her a second to remember what's really wrong.  

"I thought we were okay!"  Piper's voice is pulled tight.  "We worked everything out  _earlier tonight_ , so what the fuck happened to you?"

"All we said was that we were gonna stop pretending everything isn't  _shit,_ " Alex hurls back in a petulant tone.  "And I'm sure as fuck not pretending that."

Piper makes a frustrated, gaspy noise that's a step away from crying, and Alex can't look at her, can't think about making her cry, can't.  

"I've been looking for you for like an hour."

Suddenly confident that she has the high ground here, Alex narrows her gaze at Piper.  "Maybe I was just keeping my options open.  For the eventual break up."

Piper's face freezes, and she takes a physical step back, stricken.  "What?"  The word's barely a breath.

"That is what's going to happen, right?"  The pitch of her voice is all over the place, her pronunciation overly formal and precise.

Piper's got her arms wrapped around herself protectively, and she's shaking her head without stopping.  "You're drunk."  Her voice is shaking.  "You're fucking wasted, Alex, so don't you dare say anything about that..." 

"What, like you're not going to do it?"

At that, Piper goes still, relief and then confusion chasing across her expression.  "What?  You think _I'm_ gonna break up with you?!"

"Eventually, yeah." Alex's voice cracks, and suddenly all the bitter sarcasm dissolves.  She feels all the hurt all at once, her voice throbbing with it, like she's just taken a punch.  "You told Polly you'd live with her next year if our apartment _doesn't_ _work_ _out_."  Immediately, understanding breaks across Piper's face, apology leeching into her eyes.  "And see...I didn't know we needed a back up plan."

"Jesus..."  Piper rakes her hands through her hair.  "Fucking Polly."

"Is it not true?"  Alex asks quietly, wishing she didn't sound hopeful.

"I..."  Piper winces.  "I did tell her that, Al.  I have to live here, no matter what, you know?  And I figured I needed something to fall back on just in case."

They're quiet for a moment, avoiding each other's eyes, and finally Alex makes herself ask, "Just in case of _what_ , Piper?"

Piper takes a few steps closer, meeting Alex's eyes and saying earnestly, "In case we couldn't get the money together. Or in case my parents decide to go batshit crazy and refuse to pay my tuition if I don't stay in the dorms.  I don't know.  It was literally  _just in case_ , I _told_ Polly I probably wouldn't need to."

Alex is quiet for awhile, absorbing that.  Her throat is tight, and suddenly she hates herself for how drunk she is.  "I didn't...know you were worried."

"I don't know..."  Piper sighs.  "We kept talking about how we'll both work for a year and save up but like...I work at the library three nights a week for a couple hours.  It's not much, Al.  And I know you're practically full time at Sonic now, but it's not fair to ask you to cover everything on minimum wage."

At that, Alex looks away, guilty.  The money isn't pouring in, not yet, but Fahri says it will.  He likes the Northampton plan, he'll make sure she's set up.  

Alex shivers slightly.  The only reason she wants to be in Northampton is for Piper, but the only way she'll be able to move here might be the one thing that could cost her the relationship.

She's in a world of fuck.  

"I want to cover it," she say finally.  Piper looks at her, looking like she might protest.  "I mean...I know I have a shit job.  But what's the point of spending my whole life with a shit job if I can't use it to be where I want?"  She'll blame it on the alcohol that she follows that up with a quiet, painfully sincere, "And I want to be here with you."

Piper's whole face goes soft.  She takes Alex's hand and sits on the edge of the deck, tugging her gently down to sit beside her, their shoulders touching.  Piper touches her chin, making Alex look at her.  "I want you here with me, too."

Alex forces a shaky smile.  "Even after this weekend?"

Piper laughs softly.  "Yeah.  Weird, right?"  She keeps their hands together, resting on Alex's thigh.  After a moment, Piper asks, "So, what Polly said...that's the only reason you were avoiding me tonight?  Why you were talking to that... _girl_?" 

"Yeah," Alex mutters.  "Well.  That and whiskey." 

"Okay."  Piper's quiet for a moment, then adds, with the barest hint of sarcasm, "There's no chance Polly told you that on Friday before dinner?"

"No, sorry.  Just tonight.  Pre-pregame."

"Right.  So the rest of this weekend, that was just...?"

"Yeah.  That was just...me."

"Hmmm."  Piper leans over, resting her head against Alex's shoulder.  "You're the worst," she mumbles softly into the folds of Alex's sweater.  "I miss you so goddamned much that sometimes I forget."

"Sucks how that works, huh?"  If Piper hears the tears thickening Alex's voice, she knows not to make a big deal out of it.

Alex swipes the sleeve of her sweater under eyes, then puts an arm around Piper, tangling her fingers in her hair.  For awhile they just sit, the music and voices from the party muted behind them.  Alex feels Piper shiver beside her.  "Aren't you cold?"

"I'm actually okay."

"That's because you've got the whole 'alcohol blanket' thing going on."

"Are you sober?"

"Pretty much.  I never even got to play beer pong."

"Lucky for everyone else.  You're like a champ, right?"

"I am.  Well.  I didn't _major_ in it or anything..."

"God."  Alex winces and draws back to look at Piper, chagrined.  "You heard all that?"

"Oh, yeah." 

"I'm sorry.  Really.  That was fucked up, I was just...scared or something."

"That's so stupid, you know that?  Thinking I would break up with you..."  Piper laughs a little, a thin, incredulous sound.  "Is that even possible?  Can we even _do_ that?  You know, I barely even remember anything before I met you. Like...age one through eight?  A blur.  I've got maybe a month in there, just for the purposes of comparison.  Alex, there's no scenario where we're just... _over_."  

Piper looks so confident, so fucking certain, that for a second Alex is afraid she's going to start crying again.  She holds Piper's eyes, soaking up the strength of her conviction, and she thinks:  _Please, please let that be true_. 

 

* * *

 

When it starts to snow, tiny, salt sized flakes that only serve to remind them that it's winter and the middle of the night, they go inside and find Haley and Jenna and Grace, confirm that Polly's settled with Jake for the night, and pile back in Haley's car.

Short a person, there's more room in the backseat than on the ride over, but Piper still leans against Alex the whole way back, head on her shoulder, playing with Alex's hand in both of hers.  Alex leans her head against the window, eyes closed, the car's movement making her slightly dizzy but glad for the weight of Piper tucked against her.

They murmur _thank you_ 's when Haley drops them off at Piper's dorm.  Once again there's an empty room and bed waiting for them, but tonight they're oddly serious walking inside, and Alex can somehow sense that they're both feeling not only the weight of the past few hours, the multiple fights and tentative reconciliations, but the goodbye that's waiting in the morning.  

Outside her room, it takes Piper a second to get to the right key, and Alex leans against her, briefly burying her face in the back of Piper's neck.  The door clicks open, but Piper waits another moment until Alex moves back and they walk inside together. 

Piper closes the door and locks it behind them, then turns around and fixes Alex with a look so tender it feels like Alex's chest is cracking open.  She reaches out, linking two fingers around two of Piper's, and pulls her close, kissing her like kissing is the whole point of it.  Absurdly, she feels tears inching up the column of her throat again.  Fucking alcohol.      

She's so tired.  Tired of fighting with Piper, of always saying the wrong thing, of pouncing on words and misinterpreting.  It's a relief not to talk, to drag her fingers in patterns across Piper's bare skin, to suck gently on her lower lip, to pull Piper onto the bed and drape herself over.  They don't speak for the rest of the night, save for the occasional gasp of the others' names, tucked among more unintelligible sounds.  

The message, all  _want_ and  _need_ and  _love,_ comesacross anyway.  It's past four in the morning when they finally fall asleep, sweaty and spent, Alex pressed up against Piper's back, one leg draped over hers.

Alex stays awake for awhile after Piper's breathing evens out.  It's always happened like this, even when they were kids having slumber parties: Piper sinks into sleep so easily, while it takes Alex awhile to turn her brain off, even now that it's humming on whiskey and afterglow.  She nestles a little closer to Piper, breathing in the vanilla and sweat scent of her hair.  She thinks again of what Piper said, about there begin no scenario where they're over.  Right now, in the quiet of night, with their bodies tangled together, so close Alex shifts with Piper's breathing, that her heartbeat is thrumming against Piper's spine...right now, Alex can almost believe that they're unbreakable. 

Almost.

 

* * *

 

She wakes up with Piper's fingers skimming along the curve of her cheekbone, dipping down and outlining the edge of her jaw, moving around to her chin, like she's mapping the planes of Alex's face.  After a few seconds, her lips press featherlight against Alex's hairline, then the corner of her eye.  

Alex finally opens her eyes, nearly going cross-eyed trying to look at Piper.  "Hey." 

"Hi."  Piper presses a chaste, close mouthed kiss to the corner of Alex's lips, her hands splaying less chastely across Alex's bare breasts.  She presses one more kiss to Alex's jaw, then moves her hands, bracing them on the mattress and pushing herself backwards, ducking under the sheet as her lips coast down Alex's sternum.  Alex grins.  "Good fucking morning," she says huskily, throwing back the sheets to watch Piper's progress.  "Is the bra on the door?"

Her tongue flicks teasingly at Alex's nipple before Piper looks up,  eyes narrow and hooded.  "Don't worry.  Polly's ride of shame back doesn't usually happen for another few hours."

"Oh, I'm not worried."  Alex twines her hands through Piper's hair.  "You go right ahead."

Her eyes accidentally land on a digital clock across the room on Polly's side, and she falls back on the pillow, staring at the ceiling and trying not to think about how she has to be at the train station in less than four hours.

 

* * *

 

An hour later, when the two of them return from the shower, looking smirky and pleased with themselves, Polly's back in the room, wearing last night's clothes and some of last night's makeup.  She rolls her eyes when she sees them, then seems to regret it because she says, "Sorry, not personal.  Just...happy couples."

Instead of providing her with a detailed recap of the weekend to assure her that their happy coupledom is somewhat inconsistent, Piper just pulls a sympathetic face, dropping her towel and quickly pulling a The Cure tank top over her head.  "Bad night with Jake?"

"Just the same old shit."  Polly waves a dismissive hand like it's not worth going into, for which Alex is grateful. 

Aex sits on Piper's desk chair,  dragging a brush through wet, tangled hair, then glances over at Piper.  "Hey, is that my shirt?"

"Huh?"  Piper looks down like she'd forgotten what she'd put on less than thirty seconds ago.  "Oh, yeah.  I stole it over fall break."  

"How dare you?"  Alex tips the chair forward, fisting the hem of the shirt and pulling Piper to her.  She falls on Alex's lap, laughing.  

Polly groans ostentatiously, flopping onto her bed in an undignified, hungover heap.  "Okay, you both need to get out." 

 

* * *

 

 

"Where are we going?"  Alex asks when they're on the shuttle, en route to Piper's car.  

"We've only got a few hours," Piper says, and it's starting already, that forced note of  _no big deal_ in her voice, face set with determination to not cast a shadow over the last moments.  "And we sure as hell aren't spending them on campus."  

"Probably a good move.  So where are we spending them, exactly?"

They spend them in the car, just driving.  Piper lets Alex control the music, and she digs in the flaps behind their seats for older tapes with dates on the labels.  They get milkshakes at a drive through and take random, curving roads, sing along to music that's from the 70's or 80's but, to them, sounds like the summer before their senior year, or the first months after Piper got her car, or mornings before school when they first started dating.

It's probably not a cheap date, aimless hours of driving means burning hours' worth of gas, but it's a good one: they've got a couple years' worth of memories in this car, and nearly a decades worth for the music.

Eventually, they have to keep singing - an old, well practiced duet to  _Bad Moon Rising_ \- and pretend like Piper isn't heading toward the bus station.

 

* * *

 

"Less than three weeks until Thanksgiving," Piper tells her.  They're standing at the corner of the bus station, in view of the bus; Alex already gave her duffel over to be loaded, just didn't get on right away.  "Like, what?  Eighteen days, I think."

Piper always does this, always states how much time it'll be until they see each other again.

Alex nods, overly patient.  "I know, Pipes."  She aways does that, too: pretends like she doesn't need the reminder.

"Shit..."  Piper leans against the wall, worrying her lower lip between her teeth.  "I hate saying goodbye to you."

"Yeah, me, too."  Alex braces one hand on the brick wall behind Piper, leaning forward to kiss her, but it's not  _the_ kiss.  Not yet.  

When they pull away, Piper says, all too casually, "By the way...I'm going to tell Polly she needs to find a new roommate.  That we're for sure getting our apartment."

The  _our_ hits her unexpectedly, and Alex's smile comes out crooked.  She doesn't deserve this, after this weekend, and in fact probably shouldn't leave without another few apologies, but Alex is pretty sure Piper's just as sick of all that as she is.

The ugly, manipulative impulse growls in her chest again, and this time Alex can't quite stop herself before she's blurting out, "Pipes?"

"Yeah?"

"I know you're going to end up being some super successful writer, or, like...one of those fucking brilliant professors who also give all the students Hot for Teacher fantasies..."  

Piper laughs.  "Okay, yeah, I like that..."

"Yeah, that's you for sure.  But...promise me you'll still want me no matter what _I_ end up doing."  

It's so fucked up, the way Alex delivers it with just the right hesitant vulnerability, and how it does exactly what Alex knew it would: Piper's face goes soft at the edges, her eyes lighting with that certainty that had been there last night.  " _Alex_.  Of course.  I promise.  Don't even worry about that, okay?"  

 _So_  fucked up.

Piper thinks Alex is talking about some low, minimum wage job, the kind of jobs her mom has.  Piper thinks she's promising to stay with Alex even if she never amounts to anything beyond a waitress at Sonic, if she's always a person behind a cash register or wearing a shirt with her name stuck on.  

She isn't thinking at all of criminal activity.  

It's a cruel, manipulative trick, an extraction of a promise without giving the conditions, but Alex wants it on the record.  She wants to be able to point to this moment someday, maybe throw it at Piper while she's trying to walk out the door.  

Sometimes Alex can see herself at a distance, like she's looking at someone else, and she thinks, with something almost bordering on fascination, _Wow, what a horrible person_. 

She'd meant what she said to Piper: she always knows she fucks up.

Her stomach feels tight, her throat lined with bitter aftertaste, and it makes her want to say something honest.  She pinches a strand of Piper's hair between two fingers, following it to its end, and says the truest thing she has, "I love you, Pipes."

Piper's hands come up to cup Alex's face.  "I love you, too."  She leans forward and kisses her;  _the_ kiss this time.  The goodbye.

Alex pulls away first.  She always does.

"Three weeks."

"Eighteen days," Piper corrects.

"Right, eighteen."

"Call me when you get back.  Tell your mom I say hi."

"I will.  Bye, Pipes."

"Bye.  I'll see you soon.  Bye."

Alex turns around and walks toward the bus.  She lifts her headphones over her ears but doesn't flip her Walkman on yet.  She doesn't let herself look back until she's in her seat, squinting at Piper through the window.  Piper lifts a hand.  She might be crying, Alex can't tell for sure from here.  

Thanksgiving break is eighteen days away.

Alex has Piper's promise.

Maybe she'll tell her.  

 


End file.
